Dear NSA,
by Kanye Christ
Summary: A story about betrayal, plot twists, and action. And no Book of Mormon characters. Yup.


Dear NSA,

Narrator: So once there was a serial killer. His name was Billy Bob. He attended regular anonymous meetings for his abusive behaviors. The anonymous meetings were really helping him out.

Billy Bob: After many meetings my kill count began to dwindle down to close to 0. Its been a hard challenge, even harder to maintain it, but I'm pulling through.

Chuck: That's an improvement. I'm really proud of you for doing this; it's a big step in the right direction.

Billy Bob: Others didn't think it was an improvement, so they raised the count for me. I began to run out of places to hide the bodies. They began piling up. I used all the places siri recommended. Sometimes I would meet another person while hiding the bodies. I would ask why they were there, and they would reply, "Siri sent me." Then I would kill them.

Chuck: Did you run out of space to hide the bodies? I know that space tends to run scarce when you murder at such an alarming rate.

Billy Bob: Yes. Yes I did. So I decided to burn the bodies.

Chuck: Genius. But did the neighbors complain about the smell? I know that during the Holocaust many Nazis complained of the terrible smell of burning bodies.

Billy Bob: Yes. I gave it some thought, and decided I would kill the neighbors too.

Chuck: Of course. All witnesses must die. Simple murder logic.

Billy Bob: I also killed the search party searching for them.

Chuck: You had to.

Billy Bob: So I burned the bodies afterward.

Chuck: It must've been an orgasmic experience watching the bodies burn. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it.

Billy Bob: Yes, very orgasmic. Then I became concerned about the ozone. I was burning so many dead bodies the greenhouse effect was hitting earth hard, and if there is no earth, no murder, or so I thought at the time.

Chuck: The environment is important.

Billy Bob: Then I came up with a master plan that would solve everything. I would burn the bodies on the moon. Then I will team up with the space Nazis. But first, I need to find Neo. He is the chosen one that will save us all. If he turns on me, I will kill him too.

Chuck: YES! PERF! YOUR PLAN IS PERF! 

Billy Bob: Then before I could do anything, I heard a knock at my door, just as I was calmly eating a hotdog while washing the dishes.

Chuck: Oh no! Is it possible they were the police searching for you?

Billy Bob: It was the search party. They had weapons and were planning to use them. They caught me off-guard.

Chuck: This is indeed getting mad hype son. 

Billy Bob: I thought about what I could do to stop them. I only had a hotdog to use. I decided to check around my basement for weapons and found a minigun in a closet.

Chuck: How many men were there?

Billy Bob: Five of them.

Chuck: Hot Damn.

Billy Bob: So I killed all five men with a minigun, hotdog, and no regrets.

Chuck: Even the witnesses. You know how important taking them out is. You know this.

Billy Bob: Yes, even the witnesses. Then there was a sniper on the roof of a near by house that almost shot me. He had the aiming of bad guys in movies: very shitty.

Chuck: Did you use super jump to get him? You could always use super jump when traversing large distances. It has come in handy for me many, many times.

Billy Bob: No, I got my rocket propelled grenade, or rpg for short, then shot him. The house collapsed in on itself and there were no survivors.

Chuck: Good job, homeslice. Real proud of you dawg. What did you do next?

Billy Bob: Phase 2 was next, and I had to act fast.

Chuck: Yes indeed, I recall you mentioning you traveled to the moon.

Billy Bob: I had to clear one thing first. I convinced the world governments that everyone with a face is evil. There was mass murder and suicide. Then I ate a sandwich. I had to cut off my own face with a rusty butcher's knife.

Chuck: So you ate the sandwich without a face, right?

Billy Bob: Yes, I had to or else the green face police would've taken me to the face concentration camps.

Chuck: Makes sense. A man has a duty to his job.

Billy Bob: After the sandwich, I used the super jump to get to the moon. There I met the space Nazis where I eventually became their leader. Then, I commanded them to take over the sun. It took us only one night.

Chuck: How did you pull that off? The sun is blazing hot.

Billy Bob: I did it… at night.

Chuck: Smart. I would've never thought of that.

Billy Bob: Then, we shut down the sun by turning the on switch to off. Quite easy actually.

Chuck: O M Geee that was fricken epic.

Billy Bob: When I shut down the sun, those left who actually didn't have faces died along with the animals, and I….

Chuck: yes… Yes… YES!

Billy Bob: LIVED WITH THE SPACE NAZIS AS THEIR GOD!

Chuck: YYESSSS. Genius! Only a man as fine as you could pull off such a triumphant feat!

ACT II

Narrator: So Billy Bob and the space Nazis traveled to another solar system where they found another planet to live on in peace. By this time Neo betrayed them and led an alien race to destroy Billy Bob and the space Nazis. They needed to come up with a plan.

Billy Bob: I came up with a plan that was so crazy it might just work. I went to our previous sun to reactivate it. Then I took a giant slingshot to send it to our enemies. They all died out including Neo.

Chuck: Ok den.

Billy Bob: Then I made a kabob out of their dead bodies.

Chuck: Cool. What did it taste like?

Billy Bob: Well, it tasted like chicken that was undercooked but burned and the same time. Then I won 1 million dollars for the worlds largest kabob record.

Chuck: Wow! For how many nights did you eat leftovers?

Billy Bob: None. It was eaten all in one day. By me. And with the money I won, I bought the Milky Way galaxy from Yesus, a.k.a. Kanye Christ a.k.a. Kanye West.

Chuck: Did Yesus have a face? I must know.

Billy Bob: Good question, see he didn't because he had it taken off during the second facial purge on earth. Coincidentally, not caused by me. *(Kanye West screaming "I'm Kanye, my face will regenerate!" As he cuts his face off)

Chuck: Oh, I see.

Billy Bob: We liberated the galaxy from their freedom and installed a dictatorship with me as the leader. Then, this woman named Shiela G, inventor of brownie brittle, became a problem. She was in another galaxy of her own with her close allies, when she sent out fleets to liberate our people of their oppression.

Chuck: Did you conquer her?

Billy Bob: Of course, we wanted more brownie brittle and our slaves back.

Chuck: Yes. I understand, I can't imagine life without my dearest slaves. JAMAL! JAMIMA! LAQUISHA! POOR MY GUEST MORE WINE! *(Three saves enter each bearing a large, heavy clay urn of wine, each careful not to spill so Chuck wouldn't kill them)

Billy Bob: You know, this is the 21st century, slavery is illegal, but that isn't the point. After Shiela G was conquered, we lived in peace. But it all changed. The next war… It all started-

Chuck: WHEN THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED!

Billy Bob: Yes, yes. But we had a revolutionary solution to deal with the fire nation.

Chuck: Water? To put out the flames? It seems quite obvious to me.

Billy Bob: Yes, but there was a problem. We had to use all the water in the galaxy to win the war.

Chuck: What did you drink after that?

Billy Bob: We weren't sure what to drink, but after experiments with brownie brittle, we found that brownie brittle can be used as a substitute for water.

Chuck: Wow I didn't even think of that. Your space Nazi scientists are quite on point with their research.

Billy Bob: I know, me and them is the smarts.

Chuck: Yes, it indeed shows.

Billy Bob: But after the war,

Chuck: Yes, continue…

Billy Bob: The brittle uprising occured.

Chuck: No, impossible…

Billy Bob: The brittlers came to destroy the galaxy. But that's not all they wanted.

Chuck: no no no no no no no no no no that sounds terrible.

Billy Bob: They wanted something else also…

Chuck: no how could they…

Billy Bob: This something

Chuck: No

Billy Bob: Was

Chuck: No

Billy Bob: Something that could change everything.

Chuck: no

Billy Bob: It was

Chuck: no

Billy Bob: not potatoes

Chuck: No NOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Billy Bob: It actually was

Chuck: no

Billy Bob: toothpaste.

Chuck: NOOOOOOOO

Billy Bob: Toothpaste. They wanted all the toothpaste for special experiments regarding my takedown.

Chuck: Sweet Mary mother of Jesus Son of God.

Billy Bob: That's the thing. They kidnapped Mary to get it.

Chuck: FUCK NO

Billy Bob: In exchange for toothpaste.

Chuck: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

Billy Bob: I know. It was a bad situation.

Chuck: NO SHIT

Billy Bob: But it got worse.

Chuck: HOW HOW THE FUCK COULD IT GET WORSE!?

Billy Bob: The toothpaste was not delivered on time.

Chuck: Oh fuck. Mary, they will kill her.

Billy Bob: The truck broke down while floating in space

Chuck: No

Billy Bob: They wont kill her.

Chuck: Good

Billy Bob: They already have.

ACT III

Chuck: Fuck my life. I don't want to live anymore. Fuck my life.

Billy Bob: Jesus got so pissed. He and Moses kidnapped the brittle rebellion leader's wife.

Chuck: Good. Did they rape her?

Billy Bob: Moses wanted to have fun with her. He spread her legs just like he did with the red sea.

Chuck: MMMMMMMM

Billy Bob: Scars may run deep, but Moses' staff goes deeper. Jesus would've been in there, but he had the camera. It was a Holy Night, indeed.

Chuck: This is my shit.

Billy Bob: Many babies came forth flowing.

Chuck: Take that for killing Mary.

Billy Bob: The Brittler rebellion got even worse after that though, they teamed up with the diddlers.

Chuck: Those are tough guys.

Billy Bob: It's so bad their names rhyme.

Chuck: OMG

Billy Bob: The diddlers were friends of no one.

Chuck: I have heard that story before.

Billy Bob: During the diddler attack, I looked up in a telescope…

Chuck: And?

Billy Bob: Instead of seeing stars, I saw something different…

Chuck: What did you see?

Billy Bob: White stuff.

Chuck: Shit.

Billy Bob: The diddlers were cumming

Chuck: Well Shit. You guys were literally

fucked.

Billy Bob: These diddlers were serious. The cum landed on many solar systems and wiped out entire civilizations.

Chuck: Wow

Billy Bob: Little did we know that this was just a distraction.

Chuck: No way, that's such a large distraction; I can only imagine what their main plan was.

Billy Bob: So then the brittlers used the little bit of brittle they had left to create something that almost wiped us out.

Chuck: What. What did they create?

Billy Bob: They created poisonous brittle.

Chuck: Shit. Well Shit. Fuck Me.

Billy Bob: A few space Nazis were left.

Chuck: Fucking fuck me.

Billy Bob: We had to ejaculate the galaxy.

Chuck: Do you mean evacuate?

Billy Bob: Oh yes, that too. So we escaped to the galaxy Andromeda where we watched our home get destroyed.

Chuck: That's sad.

Billy Bob: It was no longer what we could call a galaxy. It consisted of cum instead of stars.

Chuck: DAAAMMMMNNN

Billy Bob: Vajilas from the vajila clan devoured it. It made me wish I stayed.

Chuck: I used to roll with them.

Billy Bob: Now the vajila clan was there for a quick fuck.

Chuck: Good enough

Billy Bob: So they had their fun and left. We had a period of rebuilding.

Chuck: Oh well

Billy Bob: The vajila clan was on their period.

Chuck: Ya? Was it bad?

Billy Bob: Blood

Chuck: OH GOD

Billy Bob: It cam from all directions.

Chuck: Sounds terrible.

Billy Bob: The clan was raging.

Chuck: Dear Lord…

Billy Bob: We now understood periods completely.

Chuck: Rage and blood, its war.

Billy Bob: We offered them a gift

Chuck: Did they accept?

Billy Bob: Yes.

Chuck: Good.

Billy Bob: We gave them a giant dick.

Chuck: Mm hm. What did they do with it?

Billy bob: Now you know how Trojan is a condom brand right? Well this giant dick was like the Trojan horse. It went in and boom, it was over.

Chuck: My God…

Billy Bob: We rejoiced and celebrated.

Chuck: Vajila everywhere

Billy Bob: We weren't going to wait 3 to 5 days.

Chuck: The Trojan was the only way.

Billy Bob: The vajila clan was destroyed completely. No traces found.

Chuck: Good. Worst 4 years of my life with them.

Billy Bob: But there was a problem.

Chuck: No. Way.

Billy Bob: The vajila clan would keep intact the vajilas of women.

Chuck: No, how?

Billy Bob: The vajila clan would provide them a substance to use on their parts.

Chuck: Wow.

Billy Bob: Without the substance it all turned to shit.

Chuck: Amazing

Billy Bob: I know right

Chuck: Science

Billy Bob: But then with all the spare time I had from not reproducing, I had time to think. I thought that everything that happened since I started attending the anonymous meetings was too coincidental. We decided to send out spies to find out what was really going on. Turns out there was a mastermind behind this whole thing. Someone who wanted everything to happen. From the people watching me burn the bodies to the vajila clan, It was all being orchestrated by a being. This being was siri. She secretly rules the universe. And now we have her. *(Play Still by Geto Boys while two old men bash in an iPhone)

Chuck: Ohhhh myyyy guudd

Billy Bob: After we found this out, we realized there were still bigger problems.

Chuck: Damn. Your life sucked.

Billy Bob: As I talked about before, the substance was the key to the stability of all vajilas.

Chuck: What was the substance?

Billy Bob: This substance is what made Siri insane.

Chuck: What was it called?

Billy Bob: Coca Cola.

Chuck: Wow. So common too.

Billy Bob: Without this, vajilas turned to shit and we couldn't repopulate.

Chuck: What happened to the population?

Billy Bob: We dwindled down to just a few.

Chuck: Gay sex I presume.

Billy Bob: NO

Chuck: Yes

Billy Bob: No no no

Chuck: Then what?

Billy Bob: We found monkeys. Moses became obsessed with cross species sex.

Chuck: AWWWWWWW YYYEEEAAAAA

Billy Bob: Moses sex life consumed him. Night after night he would bring the monkeys into his lair where he had his fun time. After fucking many monkeys, a new species of part monkey/ part Moses (human) emerged.

Chuck: That's me.

Billy Bob: They were extremely horny.

Chuck: Yup Sounds right.

Billy Bob: The purpose for universal dominance changed.

Chuck: Getting that vajila.

Billy Bob: Yes. The new species began to build up on a planet like earth.

Chuck: No way I live on a planet like earth.

Billy Bob: But that's not all…

Chuck: Really, what could be more?

Billy Bob: They went through millions of years of evolution and became like humans.

Chuck: I'm like humans.

Billy Bob: They were then at a point where there were countries and power struggles. Then there was this one man.

Chuck: Who?

Billy Bob: Lets call him Billy Bob.

Chuck: Billy Bob, mm hm.

Billy bob: He regularly attended anonymous meetings to help with his problems.

Chuck: Like you.

Billy Bob: Yes.

Chuck: Wow, such interest, much story.

Billy Bob: This Billy Bob went on a killing spree.

Chuck: Wow

Billy Bob: He caused mass suicide and killings.

Chuck: Like you, wow, so many parallels.

Billy Bob: Then he escaped to the moon with the space Nazis and turned off the sun, at night.

Chuck: OOOHHHHH MMMYYYYY GGGGUUUUUDDDDD IIITTTTTSSSSS YYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUU isn't it?

Billy Bob: Yes, but this new world made one mistake.

Chuck: What?

Billy Bob: They invented Siri.

Written by Chuck and Billy Bob

Starring by Billy Bob and Chuck and Guest Starring Kanye West a.k.a. Yesus

Directed by Chuck and Billy Bob

Produced by Billy Bob and Chuck


End file.
